Missing Your Ex: Why It Hurts So Much (And How To Actually Heal)

Missing your ex can feel like a punch in the gut.

One moment you think you’re doing okay—working, seeing friends, maybe even dating again—and then a song, a memory, or an old photo hits you. Suddenly, you’re right back in that familiar ache, thinking, “I miss my ex so much it hurts.”

If you’re missing your ex, you’re not weak or “stuck in the past.” You’re human. Your brain, your body, and your heart are all reacting to a real loss. The key is understanding why you miss them and how to stop missing your ex in a way that actually supports healing instead of pulling you backward.

This guide walks through:

• The psychological reasons you’re missing your ex
• How long people typically miss an ex
• Whether missing your ex means you’re still in love
• What it means when you miss someone who treated you badly
• Exactly what to do when you’re thinking, “Should I text my ex?”
• A step-by-step plan for how to stop missing your ex and get your life back

Is It Normal To Miss Your Ex?

Yes. Missing your ex is completely normal, even if:

• You were the one who ended things
• The relationship had serious problems
• You’re in a new relationship now
• The breakup was a long time ago

Psychologists often compare breakups to grief. You’re not just losing a person—you’re losing routines, future plans, and a version of yourself. Research on attachment (like the work of Dr. John Bowlby and Dr. Mary Ainsworth) shows that when a bond ends, your nervous system reacts like it’s lost a safe base. That’s why you might feel:

• Physically sick or exhausted
• Obsessed with checking their social media
• Confused, angry, or guilty
• Up and down—okay one day, devastated the next

So if you’re sitting there thinking, “Why do I miss my ex so much?” or “Why do I still miss my ex months later?”, you’re not broken. You’re going through a normal human process.

Psychological Reasons You Miss Your Ex

You might be asking, “Why do I miss my ex so much?” or even, “I miss my ex so much it hurts—what’s wrong with me?” There are real psychological reasons for this.

1. You’re grieving more than just the person

When a relationship ends, you lose:

• Daily contact (texts, calls, seeing each other)
• Shared rituals (Sunday brunch, shows you watched together)
• Imagined milestones (moving in, marriage, kids, trips)

So missing your ex is often missing:

• The role they played in your life (partner, best friend, confidant)
• The version of you that existed in that relationship
• The future you built in your mind

What to do:

• Acknowledge that you’re grieving a whole chapter, not just a person.
• Write down everything you feel you’ve lost: routines, hopes, small moments. Seeing it in black and white makes the grief more concrete and less overwhelming.

2. Your brain is hooked on “love chemicals”

Love literally changes your brain. When you were with your ex, your body released:

• Dopamine (reward, pleasure)
• Oxytocin (bonding, attachment)
• Serotonin (mood, well-being)

After a breakup, those chemicals crash. You can feel like you’re going through withdrawal, which is why:

• You obsessively replay memories
• You keep checking your phone
• You feel restless, empty, or agitated

Some brain-scan studies even show that early heartbreak activates similar areas to physical pain.

What to do:

• Treat this like breaking an addiction or habit.
• Create friction: unfollow or mute them, delete or archive chats, move photos to a hidden folder.
• Replace your old “hits” with healthier rewards—movement, creative hobbies, learning, or supportive friendships.

3. You’re idealizing the good and editing out the bad

When you’re missing your ex, your brain often plays a highlight reel:

• The best dates
• The way they looked at you
• Inside jokes and sweet messages

And it conveniently skips:

• The arguments that never got resolved
• The disconnection, boredom, or loneliness you felt
• The reasons you broke up in the first place

This is especially strong when you’re lonely or triggered.

What to do:

• Make a note on your phone titled: “Why this relationship wasn’t right for me.”
• List at least 10 reasons: incompatibilities, unmet needs, painful patterns.
• When your brain starts romanticizing, read the list to balance the picture—not to demonize them, but to stay grounded in reality.

4. You never got real closure

Without closure, your brain keeps trying to “solve” what happened. You may be stuck in loops like:

• “What did I do wrong?”
• “Why did they stop trying?”
• “Did they ever really love me?”

Unclear breakups (ghosting, sudden distance, vague reasons) are especially painful.

What to do:

• Write a closure letter to your ex that you will not send. Say everything you wish you could say.
• Then write a second letter from your future self to the you who’s hurting right now, explaining why this ending was necessary for your growth.

You might never get closure from them, but you can create closure for yourself.

5. Your self-worth got tied to the relationship

If your sense of worth was heavily wrapped up in being someone’s partner, then losing them can feel like losing your value.

You might think:

• “If they don’t want me, I’m not lovable.”
• “I’ll never find anyone like them again.”
• “I must have ruined everything.”

In this case, missing your ex is partly missing the feeling of being wanted, chosen, and validated.

What to do:

• Separate their choice from your worth. Relationships end for many reasons that aren’t about your value.
• Make a list of your strengths and values that exist outside any relationship: kindness, humor, resilience, loyalty, creativity, ambition.
• Actively invest in things that reflect those qualities—projects, learning, community, or creative work.

6. You’re lonely—and your ex is the easiest person to miss

After a breakup, loneliness can feel brutal:

• No one to text good morning or good night
• Weekends suddenly feel empty
• Holidays and nights hit harder

Your brain understandably reaches for the last person who filled that space.

What to do:

• Remind yourself: “I might be missing being close to someone, not necessarily missing them as the right partner for me.”
• Build a loneliness plan for your hardest times (evenings, Sundays, holidays):
  • Schedule calls or video chats with friends
  • Join a class, group, or club
  • Volunteer or join an interest-based community
• Create comforting solo rituals (movie night, a favorite café, a specific evening walk) to give yourself consistent warmth.

7. You’re comparing your timeline to everyone else’s

Thoughts like:

• “We were supposed to be married by now.”
• “All my friends are moving in with their partners—I’m back at zero.”

can make missing your ex more about fear of being behind than about the person themselves.

What to do:

• Remember: life is not a race or a checklist. Many people rush into the wrong relationships just to match a timeline.
• Ask yourself:
  “If I knew with 100% certainty that I would find a healthier, happier relationship later, how would I feel about this breakup today?”

Often the pain softens when you see that this might be a redirection, not a failure.

8. You’re stuck in “what if” thinking

“What if we had tried harder?” “What if I hadn’t said that one thing?” “What if they come back?”

These thoughts create an illusion of control over something that’s already happened.

What to do:

• When you catch a “what if”, gently shift it into a “what now?”
  • Instead of: “What if they text me?” Say: “What now can I do today to take care of myself?”
  • Instead of: “What if we’d stayed together?” Say: “What now can I learn from this for future relationships?”
• You’re training your brain to return from the hypothetical to the present.

9. Your attachment style is amplifying everything

Attachment theory helps explain why some people struggle more with missing an ex.

• Anxious attachment: You may obsess, blame yourself, and feel desperate to reconnect—even if the relationship was unhealthy.
• Avoidant attachment: You might feel okay at first, then get blindsided by longing later because you initially numbed out.
• Disorganized attachment: You might swing between craving closeness and feeling terrified or distrustful of it.

What to do:

• Learn about your attachment style—many therapists and researchers (like Dr. Amir Levine, Dr. Sue Johnson) note that understanding your pattern reduces shame and increases choice.
• If you’re anxious, practice self-soothing before reaching out: grounding exercises, journaling, talking to a safe friend.
• If you’re avoidant, give yourself structured time to actually feel: write, talk, or work with a therapist so emotions don’t stay stuck.

10. You haven’t filled the space they left behind

Exes take up mental, emotional, and physical space. After the breakup, that space is still wide open.

If you don’t fill it intentionally, your ex will keep living there, rent-free.

What to do:

• Audit your day: when does missing your ex spike? Mornings? Late nights? During commutes?
• Proactively plug in new activities, even small ones:
  • Morning walks or workouts
  • Nighttime reading or journaling
  • A new skill (language app, instrument, online course)
• You’re not “distracting” yourself from healing—you’re rebuilding a life that isn’t organized around them.

11. A part of you truly still loves them—and that’s okay

Sometimes the answer to “Why do I still miss my ex?” is simple: part of you still loves them.

That doesn’t automatically mean:

• The relationship was healthy
• They were right for you
• You should get back together

Love doesn’t vanish the moment a relationship ends. According to many therapists, it often fades gradually as you build a new life and identity.

What to do:

• Let yourself feel love without assuming you must act on it.
• Tell yourself: “I can care about someone and still accept we are not right for each other now.”
• Turn your focus to who you are becoming because of this experience: your boundaries, clarity, and self-respect.

How Long Will I Miss My Ex?

People often ask:

• “How long does missing an ex last?”
• “When will this stop hurting?”

There’s no exact timeline, but there are patterns.

Factors that affect how long you’ll miss your ex

• Length and depth of the relationship: Long-term or intense relationships often take longer to grieve.
• Type of breakup: Sudden or unclear endings typically take more time.
• Attachment style: Anxious or disorganized attachment can make the process more intense and prolonged.
• Support system & coping skills: Having people to lean on and healthy coping tools usually helps you get over your ex faster.

Common (but not rigid) timelines

• First 1–4 weeks: Shock, denial, intense waves of sadness and longing. You might think, “I miss my ex so much it hurts physically.”
• 1–3 months: Emotions may still be strong, but you start having more “okay” moments. Triggers still sting.
• 3–6+ months: Many people begin to feel more neutral, especially if they’ve created new routines and respected boundaries like no contact.

If it’s been a long time (6–12+ months) and you’re still deeply stuck, can’t function well, or feel depressed, working with a therapist can help you move through the grief rather than stay trapped in it.

Does Missing My Ex Mean I Still Love Them?

Not necessarily.

Yes, sometimes missing your ex means you’re still in love with your ex. Other times, you’re missing:

• Familiarity
• Routine and comfort
• Safety, status, or stability
• A sense of identity (“I was someone’s partner”)

Ask yourself:

• What exactly do I miss the most?
  • Them as a person?
  • Having someone?
  • Not feeling lonely?
• If all the problems stayed exactly the same, would I genuinely want that relationship back?

If the honest answer is no, you may be more attached to the idea of the relationship than to the actual person.

Reasons You Miss Your Ex (Quick Summary)

Here’s a quick list of the most common reasons you’re missing your ex:

• You’re grieving a whole chapter of your life
• Your brain is withdrawing from love chemicals
• You’re idealizing the good times and editing out the bad
• You didn’t get real closure
• You tied your self-worth to the relationship
• You feel intensely lonely or “behind” in life
• You’re stuck in “what if” and “should have” thinking
• Your attachment style magnifies breakup pain
• You haven’t filled the space they left
• A part of you genuinely still cares about them

None of these reasons mean you’re weak. They mean you’re human—and they’re all workable.

What It Means When You Miss a Toxic, Abusive, or Narcissistic Ex

One of the most confusing experiences is missing your ex even when they treated you badly.

You might think:

• “Why do I miss my ex? They were toxic.”
• “Am I crazy for missing someone who hurt me?”

The answer is no—you’re reacting to trauma bonds and attachment, not just logic.

Why you can miss an unhealthy ex so much

• Intermittent reinforcement: They were loving sometimes and cruel other times. That unpredictability can actually strengthen emotional dependence (similar to gambling addiction).
• Trauma bonding: In abusive or narcissistic relationships, intense highs and lows create powerful emotional ties.
• Gaslighting and control: You may have been convinced that no one else would love you or understand you like they do.

What to do:

• Recognize that missing them does not mean they were good for you. It means the bond was intense.
• Work with a trauma-informed therapist if possible—especially if there was emotional, physical, or financial abuse.
• Treat this like healing from an addiction and trauma, not just a simple breakup. Strong no-contact boundaries are especially important here.

Missing Your Ex While in a New Relationship

You might be dating again or even in a new relationship and still thinking, “Why do I still miss my ex?”

This can trigger guilt and confusion, but it’s more common than you think.

Why this happens

• You didn’t fully process the breakup before moving on
• Your new relationship has different strengths and weaknesses, and you’re nostalgically comparing
• Certain traits or moments trigger memories of your ex

What to do:

• Don’t panic and assume it means you don’t care about your new partner. Missing your ex is a feeling, not a decision.
• Notice patterns: when do thoughts of your ex show up? During conflict? When you’re bored? When you’re anxious?
• Avoid oversharing details about missing your ex with your new partner unless you’re working through it constructively (ideally with support from a therapist).
• Focus on building new memories and emotional connections with your current partner instead of mentally living in the past.

If you’re still deeply entangled with your ex (secretly talking, checking their accounts daily, comparing constantly), it may be a sign you need space from dating to get over your ex more fully.

Signs You’re Not Over Your Ex Yet

Here’s a quick checklist of signs you’re not over your ex:

• You check their social media regularly, sometimes multiple times a day
• You feel a physical jolt of anxiety when you see their name or a reminder of them
• You compare every new person to your ex—and everyone falls short
• You fantasize about “accidentally” running into them
• You replay arguments and conversations on a loop, thinking of what you “should have” said
• You still track their relationship status or who they’re dating
• Hearing about them getting serious with someone else ruins your entire day
• A big part of you is waiting for them to come back

If most of these resonate, it doesn’t mean you’ll never move on. It means this is exactly the season to prioritize how to stop missing your ex and actively rebuild your own life.

Should You Text or Call Your Ex?

When you’re missing your ex, the urge to reach out can feel overwhelming. You might keep asking yourself, “Should I text my ex?”

Before you pick up your phone, pause and ask these questions.

1. What do I actually want from contacting them?

Be brutally honest:

• Do you want reassurance that they still care?
• Are you hoping to get back together?
• Are you bored, lonely, or drunk?
• Do you want closure they might not be able to give you?

If the main goal is to soothe short-term discomfort, reaching out often sets your healing back.

2. Has anything truly changed?

Breakups happen for reasons. Ask:

• Have we clearly identified why it ended?
• Have we both done real work on those issues? (therapy, communication skills, self-awareness)
• Is there a realistic, healthier way forward—or are we just craving the familiar?

Missing your ex isn’t enough. Long-term compatibility requires mutual growth, not just nostalgia.

3. Will reaching out help or hurt my future self?

Imagine a more healed future version of you, six months or a year from now.

• Would they thank you for reaching out today?
• Or would they wish you had protected your progress?

Let that future self guide you.

Should I Text My Ex? Sample Scripts (If You Decide To)

If you’ve carefully thought it through and genuinely believe contact might be healthy and respectful, here are some examples of what to say and what not to say.

What to say (clear and boundaried):

• “Hey, I hope you’re doing okay. I’ve been reflecting on our relationship and would appreciate a short, honest conversation sometime, if you’re open to it. No pressure if not.”
• “Hi. I want to respect your space. If you’re open to it, I’d like to talk once about closure and what we each learned. If that doesn’t feel right for you, I’ll understand and won’t message again.”

If—and only if—you are both considering reconciliation and have worked on yourselves:

• “I’ve done a lot of reflecting and personal work since we broke up. If you’re open to it, I’d be willing to have a calm conversation about what a healthier relationship would need to look like for both of us.”

What not to say:

• Drunk texts: “I miss you so much, please answer.”
• Guilt-inducing messages: “You ruined my life, but I still love you.”
• Vague fishing: “Hey stranger…” / “Thinking of you…” (when your real goal is to pull them back in)

If you know that any response—or no response—could spiral you, it’s usually better not to text.

Social Media & Missing Your Ex

Social media can keep wounds open. Every story, like, or post becomes a trigger.

When you’re missing your ex, consider:

• Muting or unfollowing them to create emotional distance
• Deleting or archiving old conversations so you don’t keep rereading them
• Asking mutual friends not to update you on their dating life

You don’t have to block them forever, but strong boundaries now help you get over your ex faster. Think of it as taking care of your healing nervous system, not being dramatic.

How To Stop Missing Your Ex: 10 Tactical Steps

You can’t force yourself to stop feeling, but you can change how you respond to the feeling. Here’s a step-by-step guide for how to stop missing your ex in a practical way.

1. Commit to a No-Contact Window

If the relationship is over—and especially if it was unhealthy—choose a period (30–60 days or more) where you:

• Don’t text or call
• Don’t watch their stories or visit their profiles
• Don’t “casually” ask mutual friends about them

This gives your brain and body time to detox from the relationship.

2. Break the Rumination Cycle

When your mind starts looping on them:

• Say to yourself: “I’m thinking about them right now, and that’s okay. I don’t have to feed this thought.”
• Set a timer for 2–5 minutes to fully feel and acknowledge the feelings—then gently redirect to another task.
• Use a grounding exercise (5 things you see, 4 you can touch, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste) to come back to the present.

3. Rewrite the Story in Your Head

If your inner story is:

• “I lost the best thing I’ll ever have.”
• “I ruined everything.”
• “I’ll always feel like this.”

You’ll keep hurting.

Instead, try:

• “This relationship mattered, and its ending is also guiding me toward something healthier.”
• “I made mistakes, but I’m learning and I can do better next time.”
• “I don’t know what’s next yet, but I’m actively building a life I’m proud of.”

Repeat these more grounded narratives when you catch catastrophic ones.

4. Take Your Ex Off the Pedestal

Do this simple paper exercise:

• Fold a sheet in half.
• On the left: “What I appreciated about them.”
• On the right: “What didn’t work / Red flags / Incompatibilities.”

This helps your brain hold a balanced view—not “they were perfect” or “they were evil,” but they were human and the relationship was a mix of good and painful things.

5. Build New Routines, Especially for Trigger Times

Notice when missing your ex hits hardest—often:

• Late at night
• Weekends
• Holidays or anniversaries
• When you’re tired or stressed

Then design specific replacement routines:

• A nightly wind-down ritual (tea, book, journaling, calming playlist)
• A Saturday morning activity (workout, market, hobby class)
• A plan for holidays (friends, family, volunteering, travel, or new traditions)

You’re teaching your brain: “Life can feel full and safe again, even without them.”

6. Move Your Body

You don’t have to start an intense fitness plan, but evidence consistently shows movement helps regulate mood and anxiety.

Try:

• 10–20 minute daily walks
• Stretching or yoga videos at home
• Dancing around your room to music

This isn’t to “fix” heartbreak, but to gently support your body while you heal.

7. Lean on Safe People (Not Just Your Phone)

Instead of reaching for your ex when you feel lonely:

• Reach out to a trusted friend or family member
• Join support groups (online or in person) for breakups or divorce
• Consider short-term therapy to help you process and get over your ex more effectively

Saying “I’m really missing my ex today” to someone safe can be incredibly relieving.

8. Limit Symbols and Triggers (At Least For Now)

You don’t have to throw away every gift or delete every photo immediately. But you might:

• Put sentimental items in a box and store it out of sight
• Move photos and old conversations to an archive folder
• Rearrange your space so it feels new and yours

This gives your nervous system fewer constant reminders.

9. Set Small, Future-Focused Goals

Part of knowing how to stop missing your ex is giving yourself something else to move toward:

• Career goals (certifications, projects, job moves)
• Personal goals (learning a language, saving money, starting a hobby)
• Social goals (meeting new people, reconnecting with old friends)

These don’t erase the pain, but they anchor you in your own growth.

10. Consider Professional Support

If you feel stuck, are struggling with depression, or had a traumatic or abusive relationship, a therapist can:

• Help you untangle the relationship dynamics
• Address attachment wounds and trauma
• Build skills to cope and move forward

You don’t have to do this all alone.

Coping Strategies & Self-Care Tips When You’re Missing Your Ex

Think of this as your quick care kit for the worst moments.

Emotional Self-Care

• Journal without editing yourself for 10–15 minutes
• Let yourself cry and feel instead of constantly numbing out
• Use a “grief window”: set 20–30 minutes to fully feel, then gently do something grounding

Physical Self-Care

• Aim for consistent sleep times
• Eat regularly, even if your appetite is low (small, simple meals are okay)
• Drink water; heartbreak can make you forget basics

Social Self-Care

• Stay connected to people who make you feel seen, not judged
• Limit contact with people who minimize your feelings or push you to “just get over it”
• Gently allow new connections over time—friendships, communities, or eventually dating, when you’re ready

When Missing Your Ex Is a Red Flag

Sometimes, the intensity or pattern of missing your ex can signal deeper issues.

It’s a red flag when:

• You’re fantasizing about going back to an abusive, controlling, or deeply toxic ex
• You regularly ignore your own boundaries to respond to them
• You’re sacrificing your job, friendships, or mental health to stay connected
• You stay in constant contact with an ex while hiding it from a current partner
• Months or years later, your life feels completely on hold because of them

If any of these sound like you, consider this a strong sign to reach out for support—friends, trusted family, or a licensed therapist.

Different Situations: Recent Breakup vs Long-Ago Ex, First Love, Long-Distance

After a recent breakup

• Emotions are raw; missing your ex will likely feel overwhelming
• Focus on stabilizing: sleep, food, movement, safe people, no-contact

Missing a long-ago ex

You may feel confused: “Why do I still miss my ex from years ago?”

• Old relationships can resurface in your mind during major life transitions, loneliness, or stress
• This doesn’t always mean you’re still in love with your ex—it may mean you’re longing for a feeling or a time in your life

First love

First loves carve deep pathways in our memory. It’s common to:

• Idealize them
• Compare others to them
• Miss that intense, new feeling

With time and new experiences, these feelings usually soften, especially as you build deeper, more secure connections.

Long-distance ex

Missing your ex from a long-distance relationship can feel uniquely intense because:

• The relationship lived heavily in texts, calls, and fantasy
• There may be a lot of “what if we had lived closer” thoughts

Remember to ask: “Even if distance were solved, would our compatibility and communication be healthy?”

FAQs About Missing Your Ex

Is it normal to miss your ex?

Yes. Missing your ex—sometimes for months—is a normal part of healing, even if you know the breakup was right.

Why do I still miss my ex after so long?

You might still be processing grief, not have built a new identity yet, or be triggered by current stress or loneliness. Sometimes, unresolved attachment wounds keep old relationships psychologically “alive.”

Does missing my ex mean I should get back together?

Not by itself. Missing your ex is a sign the relationship mattered, not automatic proof you belong together. Reconciliation only makes sense if:

• The reasons for the breakup are clearly understood
• There’s been genuine change and growth on both sides
• The relationship can be rebuilt in a healthier way

Does missing my ex mean I’m still in love with them?

Not always. You might be still in love with my ex—or you might be in love with the feeling of being wanted, the life you imagined, or the familiarity of the relationship.

How long does it take to get over your ex?

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Many people feel significant improvement within 3–6 months with active healing efforts, but it can be shorter or longer depending on the factors discussed earlier.

Final Thoughts: You’re Allowed To Miss Them and Still Move On

Missing your ex does not mean you’re failing at healing.

It means:

• You were capable of deep connection
• Your heart invested in something real
• You’re going through a very human process of letting go

Instead of asking only, “How do I stop missing my ex immediately?”, try also asking:

• “How can I take care of myself while I miss them?”
• “What can I learn about my needs and patterns from this relationship?”
• “Who am I becoming on the other side of this pain?”

Over time—often slowly and quietly—you’ll:

• Think of them less often
• Feel less triggered by memories or reminders
• Start to genuinely enjoy your own life again

One day, you may notice you went hours, then days, then weeks without that sharp ache. You’ll realize you didn’t have to erase them to heal. You just had to choose, again and again, to show up for your own life, even while missing your ex.

And that’s how you truly get over your ex—by building something new and meaningful for yourself, one small, kind step at a time.